Jordan suffers from LEGO withdrawal. It’s not exactly LEGO withdrawal because he spends a great deal of quality time with his LEGOs. It’s more that he doesn’t quite understand I enjoy spending time with him, no matter what he’s doing, including dealing with his LEGOs.
The basic problem is that Jordan loves to spend time with me, but having me play with his LEGOs at the same time. Since each and every one of the LEGOs he builds (never with instructions or directions), it is always a work of art for him, he wants to share the experience, which he appears to be calling “playing”.
Now, for me, whose artistic capabilities terminated at a stickman somewhere in nursery school, my ability to contribute to any substantial extent to the construction process of a 430 piece LEGO of a Star Wars battle cruiser is not only beyond the possibility of recognition, but beyond the possibility of contribution.
That’s okay. And Jordan absolutely understands that. It is really me who didn’t understand what he was requesting.
As he continued to ask me to play with his LEGOs, I fully realized, as some point, that I just simply wasn’t understanding what he wanted. Now I know. It’s not that were necessarily going to be playing with the LEGOs. It’s more a question of just simply participating in the process of appreciating the construction of a LEGO on an ongoing basis.
There’s no great expectation that I’ll be able to contribute anything of any value to a seven year old (and he’s actually right about that), but it’s more the fact that each and every one of his LEGOs is a work of art – and a work of love – and as such, he wants to share the experience which is what he actually dubs as playing.
Now that I understand that, the whole process is a lot easier.
As I think about my experience with Jordan, I also think about what relationships appear to be and how important understanding and communication are in a relationship.
As I come across neighbors who, from time to time, appear to be having marital problems or “relationship issues”, it becomes so obvious to me (of course, as an objective third party) what each one needs. It’s really not tough. And most of the time, its not even very significant. Ninety percent of the job is simply understanding what the other person is actually requesting.
For the longest time, I continued to deflect requests “play with the LEGOs”. I did it not because I wasn’t willing to please Jordan, because I wanted to please him and make him happy very much. I did it simply because I didn’t understand what he was asking me to do. I didn’t know how to play with the LEGOs. Once I simply allowed myself to steep in it, and listen intently, I had no problem in being there exactly the way in which he wanted me to be.
There is no doubt in my mind that my friends across the street, or even down the block, would have no more difficulty in doing what the other one wanted if they simply understood that it was that easy. Spend ninety percent of the time listening, and just simply do what’s being requested. Don’t interpret. Don’t project. Don’t construe. Don’t analyze. Just listen.
It’s really not that hard to have a successful relationship.